The thing about Sundays

The day seems so long when one is actually sitting in it and then, very suddenly, it's 8:34 pm and you have to start thinking about what you're wearing to work tomorrow.

I'm still trying to figure out what the heck I did all day. Let's see... woke up at around ten, checked up on Mom, made brekky for us, drank coffee, wrote a blog on my other site, read the Sunday paper, drank a beer and read a magazine out on the patio, did some grocery shopping, made dinner, and thought about what to do with my hair tomorrow.

I really don't like Sundays, they create a sense of angst inside of me that I can't quite explain. Perhaps it's knowing that I'll have to get up at 5:15 the next morning after sleeping in for two days straight. Or maybe it's the quietness of the day. Sunday casts a relaxed hush on the surrounding world, there's no bustle, there's no mail or rush-hour traffic, it's just a quiet time to reflect. That doesn't seem like something I wouldn't enjoy but it is.

Maybe it's because I'm lonely. I really am. And I really feel it on Sundays. It's this palpable and very tangible loneliness that consumes me on Sundays when I can't rush around at work or the shops or whatever it is I do on the other six days of the week. Even though I'm away from The Fiance every day, there is no other day that I feel more alone than Sunday.

Saturday, the 13th

That's just a pic of what I look like right now, as I'm writing this blog. Hair's gettin' long, eh? Thinking about going back to dark brown now that Autumn is almost upon us. Do you know what else is upon us? Mine and The Fiancé's 11-month! And the latest is that we chose a date for the wedding, (March 31st) and then decided to push it back to another date, farther into the new year. I mean, we just want to spend some time enjoying our engagement. Do you know that we have only spent one full day in each other's presence as an engaged couple? Just one day?! We'd also like to get in some premarital counseling. I read in an issue of Oprah Magazine (not Gospel but not too far from it) that a big mistake married couples make is running to counseling once the going gets rough. Not a good idea. It turns out that counseling serves couples best as a proactive tool rather than as a reactive tool. Much like a doctor's visit, it's good to get a check up every now and then and possibly prevent a problem in the future rather than just going when you notice something's not feeling right. Anyway, he thinks it's a good idea and so do I.

Perhaps I've been thinking about this idea of engagement all wrong. Instead of making all the wedding plans and adding all that stress to the relationship, an engagement can just be a beautiful mutual acknowledgement that we have both found the person with whom we wish to spend the rest of our lives. Everything else (dresses, tuxes, flower arrangements, and seating plans) all fall second to that fact. I'm starting to feel consumed by my yearning to be by his side.

Sometimes, when one becomes part of a couple, one loses him or herself in the unit. "I" and "Me" gives way to "Us" and "We". When the couple separates or breaks up, that person must rediscover him or herself. A while ago, I experienced exactly that. The relationship I was in had a personality all its own, my ex's personality. I consented and became the passive, silent partner in that relationship and, once we broke up, I spent a lot of time alone working on rediscovering myself.

One thing I have come to value most about my present relationship is that who I am is embraced and loved and soooo appreciated. I feel supported and accepted and it's lovely to not have to be someone else. I haven't really had to do much soul searching since being separated from him, because he lets me be myself. Wonderful. I'm just happier with him than without him and that's the simple truth of it. Loving him is so easy. I thought relationships were supposed to be a lot of work because that's how they always used to be, but he's just so easy to be with. It's pleasure doing things for him. Alright, I'm done gushing. Happy Eleventh Month, Darling! Okay, now I'm done.

Two Sides

He left and shocked everyone.
His things were packed and the condo in the desert was rented and waiting.
"Selfish," we all said. "Impulsive, stubborn, and stupid."
"It wasn't right," was all he would say.
And for four years we filled the world with jealous curses.


But on one afternoon, in one diner, at one tiny table, he shared his side.
"Infidelity, rage, jealousy," he said. "Shattered love, life, and trust."
The world hushed and listened.
"Understand, okay, forgiveness," I replied. "It wasn't right."

And the jealous curses ceased.


I love you, Dad.

The Boy Best Friend

I'm wondering if people of the opposite sex, in the same age group, can just have a getting-to-know-you chat without it meaning anything romantic.

I read somewhere that women end to dislike other women whose friends are mostly male. For some reason, it creates feelings of mistrust in relationships. Case in point, my beloved sister has been on both sides of this bench. She's been the girl best friend: a little sister type to a few male friends of hers and she's also been (and currently is) the serious girlfriend of the guy whose best friend is female.

I can understand why she would be wary in her present situation. The female best friend has been in the guy's life longer, they share inside jokes and mutual contacts, and while the girl in my sis' position has to earn the guy's trust, the female friend has already earned it and might actually be able to call some shots based squarely upon it. She's already on the tenth floor of the building while my sis has just found the correct address.

And also, there's the "Plan B" notion that some girls make friends with men by accident: while trying to prove herself romantically compatible with the guy, she ends up falling into the dreaded "little sister" position and simply becomes "one of the boys". Can you imagine her turmoil as she is forced to stand by and observe her guy best friend date woman after woman? A lot of times, women in this position use spite and the male's trust as their ally and whisper things in the guy's ear that may complicate the his romantic relationship. Ever happened to you?

With all of this said and considered, being the female best friend does have its perks. The people of my gender can be, well, quite dramatic, difficult, gossips, and other things I find I can do without. I should know, I have a tendency to be all of those aforementioned things. As a long-standing member of the "Best female friend to a male" Club, I've gotta say that the friendships with men require a lot less effort than those with fellow females.

As of right now, my best friend is my fiancé. Awww, I know it's sweet. Currently, the position for my best platonic friend is considering seeking applicants. I made really good friends with a couple of girls when I first came back to Cali, but those friendships turned boring and sour (and quite catty if I do say so myself) and ended as swiftly as they began. Ever since high school, my best friend has been male, I'm not sure why. No, it's not the "Plan B" thing. It's more like we belonged to a group of friends and then just started hanging out platonically one-on-one. Romance was never an issue. Until now...

One of the personal trainers at the gym struck up a conversation with me while I was refilling my water bottle at the drinking fountain. Apparently he read my name on the computer when he checked me in earlier. We chatted, he's into kickboxing and...um... personal training??? I don't even remember. Now, I don't want to sound naive, but do people just chat anymore? I mean, with no sexual inclinations whatsoever? I'm wondering if people of the opposite sex, in the same age group, can just have a getting-to-know-you chat without it meaning anything romantic.

No guy is in the market for a female best friend who happens to be in a loving and trusting relationship... unless he's gay. Which is fine. My last two best guy friends are gay, and I love them dearly. But I can't just be on the prowl for fun gay men needing a female confidant. And the thing that irks me is that there is no way to just try to get to know someone of the opposite sex without looking like some kind of skanky flirt. And the guy will get the wrong idea that you're interested if you try. Nope, there's no way. There is simply no way to have a good, straight, friend of the opposite sex unless you've known each other since your diaper-days.

Well, I suppose it doesn't matter much, anyway. Like I said before, my best friend position is filled and when it comes to the platonic thing? Well, everything in its time, I guess.