Caught Off Guard

This blog is written with great anticipation and a bit of anxiety. I've already written several drafts of this entry over the last few weeks and have finally decided that I had to post something regarding my feelings as of late. Alright, enough with the forewarning. You're going to be saying, "Oh, is that it?" once you read it, I know you will.

I've been seeing someone.

There. I wrote it. Now the entire world knows. Anyway, this person reads this blog and I was nervous about posting anything because this blog is a reflection of my feelings and I was afraid he'd know too much about me after reading it.

Just how valuable is mystery anyway? In the dating gameshows, what would score the most points: Mystery or Transparency? Well mystery has never worked for me in the past, if I'm trying to be mysterious with a boyfriend I end up walking around disheartened and complaining about how he doesn't know me. Go fig? Another reason pretending to be mysterious doesn't work for me is because I talk way too much to do it very well. My life is an open book and once you get me started I'll read you a whole chapter out of it. So, at least for me, trying to appear coy is moot.

The funny thing is, I didn't even know this person was interested in me to begin with. A movie and dinner, dancing and ice cream, evenings full of stimulating conversation, we were developing a great friendship... or more? I wasn't exactly sure so I sought my sister's opinion.

"Alright, Nikki, so I'm seeing this guy... at least I think so. I'm not exactly sure. You tell me if we're just friends, ok?"

"Okay," I could hear Nicole entering older-and-wiser-sister mode.

"So we hang out pretty often-"

"Doing what?" she asked.

"Like we went to a movie then for a walk and dinner, we went for ice-cream and then dancing, he came over for tea... I dunno, we just hang out. He's really smart, I feel like we could talk about anything..."

"Alright. Has he kissed you or made any moves?" The obvious question.

"Well... no."

"And you've been hanging out for, what, three weeks? A month?"

"Yeah," it wasn't looking good.

"Just friends, Porsch. It's no different from what you have with your guy-friends."

Alright then. But I had already started writing journal entries examining my feelings toward him and I had even mentioned his name to one of my best friends at home. I was developing feelings, which may sound simple but has been anything but since my last relationship, which I recently vowed to myself to stop discussing. For a little while, I would meet someone who sparked an interest and then, for the smallest reason (like his shoe was untied or his laugh was weird), I would lose all traces of emotion for that person. There would be no curiosity, no "I wanna get to know you better", nothing.

Because I was convinced he and I were just friends, I poured out all of my feelings and regrets regarding my ex-boyfriends and, er... fiancés, (yeah, plural. I'm starting a ring collection), he told me about his dating history, we shared stories of our childhoods, we exchanged opinions on controversial topics, we spoke so freely I began wishing he'd start to pursue me as something more.

Then, as he was saying goodnight after a wonderful evening of dinner and dialogue, he gently cupped my face between his hands, leaned in, and kissed me. I would have been shocked if it weren't for the strangely familiar feeling that we'd been kissing since we'd met. It felt so comfortable to kiss his gorgeous mouth that I almost didn't realise he'd kissed me at all. It seemed perfectly natural that the person with whom I'd shared so many thoughts and stories should share breath as well, that those same mouths engaged in conversation should press against one another as a sealing of a sentence or end of a paragraph. We continued to kiss, learning the sensations of each other's lips and tongues, it was... well, it was fantastic.

Goodness, my face just grew hot while typing that last sentence. Is this too much? Is he going to read this and say, "Woah there, Porsch! I didn't know you were feeling me like that!" Well then so be it. I'm not deleting a single line. Blogging takes courage, damnit, and I've got plenty to spare. Alright, let's get back to it.

After he left, I began to wonder why I hadn't noticed his interest in me from our first date. Hello! A movie and then dinner, ice cream and then dancing, the thoughtful text messages throughout the week, am I blind? Then I realised with some dismay that I am not accustomed to romance. The respect, the patience, the attentive and thoughtfulness that I (along with every other woman) desire was almost lost on me because a girl can't recognise something she's never seen before. The way he laces his fingers between mine and kisses the back of my hand, the way he asks me things I thought only mattered to me like "how was work today?" or "what did you have for dinner?" and the way he waited to get to know me before kissing me; I'm really impressed.

So... yeah, now you know how I feel. So much for mystery, eh?