trying to get over

My ability to hold a grudge needs a Guiness world record award, and if I wasn't so ashamed of it, I'd nominate myself. My ex and I have been broken up since May and I still can't seem to get past all the crap I went through for the sake of the damned relationship. I'm bitter and I'm twenty-three, isn't that a bit young?

I feel like I'm suffering from a mental disorder. At any given moment, I silently rehash all of the details that make up the catastrophe of my last relationship. I think about how dumb I was for taking him back after he accused me of cheating and threw all of my belongings out on the apartment staircase. I think about the $1500 I loaned him to go on a surfing excursion only to find that he'd met someone else while on that "all expenses paid" vacation and I very nearly burn with fury.

I kept his passport till I got back every red cent that he owed me and I try my best to never see him (although he works exactly 30 paces from my job), so it seems that everything should be cut off and this person should never enter my mind.
While rearranging my furniture last night, I realised I was missing two pieces of luggage. I remembered that even while I was kicking him out I was being unneccesarily generous and loaned him a couple of suitcases to carry some of his belongings.

I sent him an email asking if he had them (which I knew he did). He wrote back saying he had the luggage and that I could pick them up from his job at the restaurant tomorrow.

My first feeling upon reading his reply was dread. I was almost resigned to forget the suitcases and just buy a new set before leaving Australia. The suitcases, however, were a thoughtful Christmas present from my Mama and she'd be upset to discover I'd lost them to an ex boyfriend. Alright then. I'll go pick them up. I suddenly wished I had a really sexy new boyfriend (or just guy I knew who could pose as my really sexy new boyfriend) to accompany me. He could hold my hand and we'd laugh while telling my ex that we needed my suitcases because we were leaving next week for a month-long shopping spree in Dubai.

And my ex would stand there, slack-faced and covered in flour and pizza dough.

While typing this, I am actually considering hanging around the city tomorrow and finding a really sexy guy to drag along and fulfil this fantasy, not so much the "Dubai shopping spree" part as the "standing in front of my ex, looking like one-half of the sexiest couple alive" part. I wouldn't even have to know the sexy guy's name, I just need him to stand there looking hot. Why is The Gap Band's Early in the Morning playing in my head?

With or without a sexy guy on my arm, I will be looking completely and utterly fabulous tomorrow. I don't have any idea of what I'm going to wear but the outfit will be of the "damn, Baby!" persuasion. Part of me, however, wants to not even care. Part of me wants to show up in jeans and a hoodie with my hair pulled back, looking like I just stepped out of Fresno, California. I mean, shouldn't I be over the whole "look at me and wish you still had this" thing? I'm a grown-up, didn't I just say so in my last blog entry? But there is no way in hell or high heaven that I'll walk into that restaurant looking like I don't care enough, especially when the truth is, I do care. To be honest, the yearning for him to realise how absolutely beautiful and "too-good-for-him" I am will only be satisfied when he admits he made a mistake and apologises. I think that might really be all I want from him.

This is a bit random but did you ever watch Ricki Lake or Jenny Jones? Well, Jenny and Ricki would always have "Look at me now!" shows where people would anonymously drag other people that they haven't seen in years on to the show just so they could gloat about their weight loss or their sex change. Check the clip:


That whole episode would annoy me. It would always piss me off when the people brought on that show would act like they didn't care or like the person who brought them on the show didn't change for the better, especially when that person is only looking for an acknowledgment for their hard work. Then it would make me mad because the person who was saying "look at me now!" needed to get over it. I mean, yeah the dude bullied you in high school and said mean things about your mama, but you're thirty-five now, Sugar. Move on, already. Is that kind of what I'm doing by going out of my way to look fabulous tomorrow? Am I doing a "look at me now!"? I think I need to take my own advice and move on, already.

This blog's content is directly linked to this MySpace blog entry.