Do I seem like I have issues? You read my blogs, do you think I have issues?
For some reason, I cannot feel anything romantic for... anyone. I want to make things work, I want to be the girlfriend of his dreams, and I want to be so satisfied in every way that a relationship can satisfy a person, but my heart is feeling nothing.
And when he talks to me, I can't bring myself to give my full attention, I barely listen at all. I sometimes wish we were kissing just so we don't have to talk, but when we kiss, I just want to be alone.
It's not him, it's definitely me.
Can I blame this on my ex? About a year ago I wrote this (it's posted on my second entry on this site):
Sometimes I wonder if we give our past relationships too much credit. We attribute our present behavior to something awful that was done to us. So as soon as someone treats us badly, we lose all authority over ourselves? It makes us free to treat other people the exact same way that damaged us in the first place and we remain very nearly blameless while leaving the tab with the invisible culprit (the ex) who initiated the cycle.
Why don't I feel anything for this person?! He's smart, he's an avid fan of my writing (well, he was a fan, I'm pretty sure this entry will put an end to that), and he’s lovely to look at, even-tempered, thoughtful. All those good things that people pretend to be when they write ads for personals.
I told him I wanted to go back to being friends. When I got off the phone, I found myself walking through an empty park in a light spring rain. It was the perfect moment to cry. To cry for all my failed relationships, for my future husband and the fact that I'm missing him without even knowing his name, to cry about this feeling of apathy that has been plaguing me since my last boyfriend. But I couldn't. Not one measly tear. I even tried to get it started by thinking of sad things such as my dog dying when I was fifteen, how disappointing the ending was in the last book I read, and the grass stains on my white Keds, but nothing happened. So I simply shrugged my shoulders and kept walking.
The fact is, I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not depressed; I laugh and sing, do my Pilates workout; meet friends for coffee and all that jazz. Maybe I just need to be alone for about a year or so, what do you think?
About the author
- Porscha
- Port Hedland, WA, Australia
- I'm back in Australia after an 8-month traveling hiatus in California. My guy and I are extremely happy and currently planning our wedding to take place on September 19th 2009... yup, that's this month.
7 comments:
Don't sweat it. It's nothing a good, thorough colonic won't take care of. But for real, at your age, don't even worry. You'll have your life-changing, come-to-Jesus, soul-freeing moment soon enough in your life, and it'll change your perspective on life and love. I just pray that it's not too, too traumatic, like some have been. In the meantime, keeping doing you.
Nope, you don't have any issues. You need to learn how to embrace the meaning of selfishness. That word has gotten a lot of bad rap. You are in a season of Porscha. Embrace your season. You don't know when it will end. Sometimes with a marriage and definitely with the birth of a child. And it may be years til' you get back to you again. Don't analyze! enjoy...
To Anonymousnupe: Thanks for the reassurance, maybe I am waiting for a breakthrough. I recently had deja vu and someone told me that when a person has deja vu, you've crossed a milestone in your life. I don't know if it's true or not but I'd like to have crossed something.
To ColoredGirlsWhoHaveConsidered: You're right. I need to just relax for a little and even enjoy this time. I need to focus on myself and maybe even indulge a bit. Thanks so much for your insights!
You took the words right out of my mouth. I remember a post you did and it seemed like we went through the same thing. Funny thing is that I can’t cry either and at times I feel cold hearted because of it. I think the reason there are no water works is because we are doing everything right and when the time is right, things will fall into place
hmmm...i actually did a post about this a while back on my xanga blog. i think i am incapable of crying at those 'perfect times'.
you don't have issues, you're just content with your decision. and that's pretty rare if you ask me.
great post as usual.
To Ms. Puddin' and Natural Muze:
You ladies have got something there. I realised a few days ago that I am actually feeling something: Liberated. I felt bad because I couldn't understand the reasons why I felt so detached from the relationship. I think I saved him a lot of heartache in the longrun.
There's nothing at all wrong with you. I've remembered feeling the same way. I had to really dig down deep and figure out WHY I felt like I should be invested even though everything natural was telling me not to be. But it will come. Before you know it you'll be looking back and going, "oh yeeaah, I DID used to feel like that didn't I?"
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