Monday, September 3, 2007

First Session

The woman sitting across from me has a compassionate and engaged look on her face. She is leaning forward and nodding her head as I speak. During the silent moments, she doesn't talk, she just lets me breathe and figure out what I need to say next.

"... and when I woke up, I was naked, lying in bed next to this guy I barely know. He doesn't even really speak English. I know I would never give my consent to sleep with him."

"Well, there you go, Porscha," she says assuringly. "You've just said it. You know that this was not your choice..."

We move on, she asks me about how I'm feeling physically.

"I haven't slept for more than two hours, I just keep having these disturbing dreams."

"Like what?" she asks.

"They don't have anything to do with the incident, well, only one of them does. My other dreams are abstract. Like there's a loaf of bread and it's perfect except there are two ants crawling on the bottom of the crust. And there's another one with a man who looks like the epitome of masculinity and he's standing naked and as my eyes trace his body, I discover he has a vagina."

"Hmmm, that's interesting," she says thoughtfully. "And what about the other one?"

"Ummm, well, I guess that one's more linked to the incident. I'm in bed with two men and I'm having sex with both of them, but I'm enjoying it."

"Are these the two men who raped you?"

"No. These look like older businessmen. It's weird, one of them leaves the room and I continue with the other one until he comes back and then I switch."

"Wow, that is disturbing isn't it? How do you feel when you wake up from this dream?"

"I remember feeling peaceful at first and then confused."

"Alright. How else are you feeling?"

"I'm experiencing waves of intense nausea at random moments. I haven't been able to eat since the incident, so that's been about three days. I stare off into space for long periods of time and at any given moment, I will burst into tears. I can't seem to control it. It's almost like a sneeze or something and all of a sudden I'm hunched over my kitchen sink, sobbing into the dishtowel," even as I'm saying this, my eyes are stinging with fresh tears. I reach for a new Kleenex, I already have three damp balls of tissue in my lap.

"Don't worry about the food, you'll eat when your body is ready. This is all common when you experience a trauma. Your digestive system shuts down, your body is on auto pilot. It is very important that you try to stay active, go for a walk or something each day. You're at a point where you can very easily sink into depression. Are you having morbid thoughts?"

I think back to the taxi ride home from the hospital and the calmness I felt about crashing the car, part of me hoped the driver would become distracted and swerve the car off the road.

"Yes," I say quietly, shifting my eyes to the floor.

"That's normal, but don't indulge in those thoughts. Spend some time in nature and enjoy the beauty of life around you. Porscha, I know you're trying to make things go back to normal. You don't want special treatment and you don't want anyone to know. Pushing this away will only hurt your recovery. I hate telling victims this but your life will never be the same. What you've experienced has, in some way or another, changed you."

2 comments:

Muze said...

i wish i had some clever, comforting comment to offer, but i don't.

all i can say is that it does take time. A LOT of time before you will start to feel any hint of normality.

it is okay to cry, be angry, but know that you will get through this.

you're in my prayers sis.

Unknown said...

I just wanted to tell you that I am (and already have) genuinely praying for you.
I have been in your shoes and as I read your words I remembered the pain. It does get less and it does change you. But the lord heals all thing love. I am an example of that. Much love.